My childhood reminds me...

Ah, another attempt to get this blog going.  I am of course looking back on the last entries and giggling because I am seeing the pattern of procrastination.  It seems to be a reoccurring thing in my life and I am in a place that I have noticed that I have never taken any time to do something completely for me or regarding just me and only me.  Perhaps the fear of "being out there" is what holds me back.

 I had a visit from a friend last night from out of town, she is obsessed with her dentist here and drives hours just for appointments with him. Now that is allegience. Anyhow, she and I have chatted hours on end about issue and life and sadness and happiness.  We have these great motivational talks every time we are together..however, she started applying some of these ideas and chats into her life.  She started working out.  Yes, as simple as that. Working out, what the fuck...and she's happy? Seriously.
After talking more, she explained that she was looking to her husband as a resource of her happiness.  Not that she does not get joy from him, but she was looking at him and seeing that he loves playing music, working in his woodshop and so on...but these were not her things that she found happiness in. So, she decided to go to the gym.  When someone asked her how much weight has she lost and is she seeing body changes, she answers " Hell no I am not weighing myself, it's not about that. I am not a model, nor do I want to be one. I have a big butt and huge boobs and I'm not going that route.  I just want to be an active participant in my happiness."

...and active participant in my happiness?

Seriously.  I found this answer amazing.  She is amazing and I am now taking her lead and doing the same.  However, going to the gym is not in the top 3 that I am working on now. I will get to it one day. I'm sure.

I am not a person that enjoys being alone, however I have been working to cultivate that comfort for me...and so far, kind of failing miserably at times and doing alright others.  I would much rather be surrounded by people, go to an event, or better yet, sit on someone else's couch rather than by myself.
This I have found to be a little wounding to me seeing that in the past, it caused me to do the good old relationship hopping.  Never wanting to be alone.  What I am gathering now is that I need to spend this time with myself and allow it to bring up whatever it is that it does. Be, Process and carry on.

I left a relationship roughly a year ago...a long one, 9 long years.  And although I am much happier now, it was definitely a building block to look at the whys and whats that swirled in that place.  I had found a place to move to, which I like to call the "Recovery Home", and found myself sitting alone.  Totally alone, with the exception of the dog and cat staring at me. It was fucking scary to say the least.  It was a strange place...however, I took necessary steps to start digging in the box of life. (Which is literally a box of life, with photos, diary's and art pieces from childhood) It started to read these journals, about the cat throwing up and whose house I was going to that weekend.  Not necessarily the most interesting entries but fun to look through.
I had came across a few entries that just kind of took my breath away and it made me reflect to childhood and what the feelings I had written down.  I was amazed to have written so easily about sadness and upset, that I am thinking that it all just still hung with me as I grew up.

In this reflection that I took, I started to see where some of the issue was staying.  In childhood.  As an adult we all try to make logical decisions and make statements as such "oh I was just a kid, it wasn't really that bad" and I was finding that it WAS that bad and molded me for how I would continue into my future relationships, self reflection and spirituality.

Now I have definitely went through therapy sessions and found that a lot of past childhood anger, resentment and sadness lingered.  How could this be?  As kids we don't know...we don't understand.  Right?   I have never been so wrong.  The journals were the inside look and without resolution it just seemed as though I had created ways to deal with it as I grew up.  Never bringing it up out of fear that I would be left alone and unloved.
Holy shit, that's it!
Cut to a look into every relationship I have had, romantic, friendships and family.  All of them.  Damn it!  This is where things start to make sense for me.  I have been in this process of repairing and acknowledging these "childhood" feelings to make for a better me. A happier me.  So far it seems to be working.
Not to say it still doesn't arise, but I at least see those red flags of pattern and kindly smile and stay aware of how I react or feel.  Never to let it bog me down.

So I start the quest of my happiness with this blog. At least it will serve as a reminder of me, about me and this funny path that I am walking down.  To be an active participant in my happiness.  No one else can do it. Truly, they can't and now in my soon to be mid-30s I am figuring this out.  Thank goodness I am.  I would have hated to continue the ways I was.  It was a very fake and damaging place.  Thank goodness my childhood reminded me.