5 stars- well, okay.

SO it goes again.  I haven't been on in almost a month, but for good reason.  I am in the process of mainly focusing on this J-O-B I have...and boy o boy does it take up some time.  But I pulled myself away, seeing that I was fading away on what I working on anyway.

There is no topic that I have for this blog...so I have to think.  What's going on? What is something that is worthy of looking back on and reading at a later date.  Hmmm.  If there was anyone following me, what would they like to read?  Hmm again.  Well I guess it really doesn't matter.

First thing that comes to mind is love. Yes, dumb, silly love.  Matters of the heart. Not an unusual topic for me to talk about to anyone of my girlfriends, and a couple fellas..just to get a guys take on all that swarms in my head. Perhaps they have some insight...but not usually.  Sorry guys.

I have posted before in the regards of spending time alone.  (Which I am not good at, unless I am angry) And I am finding myself battling again with myself.
You see, I have a matter of the heart that is taxing on me at this time and I am uncertain of its outcome.  And while that may not be enough to deal with, I am watching a bunch of red flags pop up and I am trying to address them all and make sure I am not falling into pattern.  Fucking patterns.  They really are just annoying at times.  But I am listening and aware, so I guess I have that going for me.

I am in this place after a long relationship and some random visits into that heart place.. that is foreign and I am trying to understand it. I am trying to seek out the best for me.  5 stars if you will.

Take a look here and you will understand.

http://thedeliciousday.com/life-love-living-in-spain/how-to-fall-in-love/

She can write it better than me.  Enjoy. And here is to 5 stars.

An oldie but goodie.

1.Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you 'You need to stop thinking so much,' call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.

2. Stare into space blankly and don't mentally punish yourself for doing it, even if it is for that split second. If you have a problem with staring blankly, think of it as daydreaming.

3. Root Beer sucks after having spicy food.

4. Everything is going to be just fine. If you worry about acne, you're going to get a fucking pimple.

5. Don't be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn't be afraid of reality.

6. Everyone is a hypocrite.

7. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been.

8. Do pointless things. Don't actively restrain or hide yourself from the redundant.

9. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.

10. Religion shouldn't be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe except you. And while were on the subject...

11. Don't be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of everyday. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own.

12. Going to the bathroom is not a right nor a privilege. it's an act of nature.

13. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with?

14. There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don't exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening.

15. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.

16. Its not half empty or half full. Its half a glass.

17. Every now and then take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.

18. Be happy, but don't force it.

19. You will always succeed in trying.

20. We are all crazy. Every person you read about in the history books had some kind of 'disorder', they just knew how to use it.

21. We are all about as similar as we are different.

22. Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?

87. Numbers don't have to go in order.

24. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real.

25. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.

26. Prove you're alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to screaming 'Fuck' during a moment of silence. Remind the world you are still here.

27. Don't take anything, even this, too seriously.

My childhood reminds me...

Ah, another attempt to get this blog going.  I am of course looking back on the last entries and giggling because I am seeing the pattern of procrastination.  It seems to be a reoccurring thing in my life and I am in a place that I have noticed that I have never taken any time to do something completely for me or regarding just me and only me.  Perhaps the fear of "being out there" is what holds me back.

 I had a visit from a friend last night from out of town, she is obsessed with her dentist here and drives hours just for appointments with him. Now that is allegience. Anyhow, she and I have chatted hours on end about issue and life and sadness and happiness.  We have these great motivational talks every time we are together..however, she started applying some of these ideas and chats into her life.  She started working out.  Yes, as simple as that. Working out, what the fuck...and she's happy? Seriously.
After talking more, she explained that she was looking to her husband as a resource of her happiness.  Not that she does not get joy from him, but she was looking at him and seeing that he loves playing music, working in his woodshop and so on...but these were not her things that she found happiness in. So, she decided to go to the gym.  When someone asked her how much weight has she lost and is she seeing body changes, she answers " Hell no I am not weighing myself, it's not about that. I am not a model, nor do I want to be one. I have a big butt and huge boobs and I'm not going that route.  I just want to be an active participant in my happiness."

...and active participant in my happiness?

Seriously.  I found this answer amazing.  She is amazing and I am now taking her lead and doing the same.  However, going to the gym is not in the top 3 that I am working on now. I will get to it one day. I'm sure.

I am not a person that enjoys being alone, however I have been working to cultivate that comfort for me...and so far, kind of failing miserably at times and doing alright others.  I would much rather be surrounded by people, go to an event, or better yet, sit on someone else's couch rather than by myself.
This I have found to be a little wounding to me seeing that in the past, it caused me to do the good old relationship hopping.  Never wanting to be alone.  What I am gathering now is that I need to spend this time with myself and allow it to bring up whatever it is that it does. Be, Process and carry on.

I left a relationship roughly a year ago...a long one, 9 long years.  And although I am much happier now, it was definitely a building block to look at the whys and whats that swirled in that place.  I had found a place to move to, which I like to call the "Recovery Home", and found myself sitting alone.  Totally alone, with the exception of the dog and cat staring at me. It was fucking scary to say the least.  It was a strange place...however, I took necessary steps to start digging in the box of life. (Which is literally a box of life, with photos, diary's and art pieces from childhood) It started to read these journals, about the cat throwing up and whose house I was going to that weekend.  Not necessarily the most interesting entries but fun to look through.
I had came across a few entries that just kind of took my breath away and it made me reflect to childhood and what the feelings I had written down.  I was amazed to have written so easily about sadness and upset, that I am thinking that it all just still hung with me as I grew up.

In this reflection that I took, I started to see where some of the issue was staying.  In childhood.  As an adult we all try to make logical decisions and make statements as such "oh I was just a kid, it wasn't really that bad" and I was finding that it WAS that bad and molded me for how I would continue into my future relationships, self reflection and spirituality.

Now I have definitely went through therapy sessions and found that a lot of past childhood anger, resentment and sadness lingered.  How could this be?  As kids we don't know...we don't understand.  Right?   I have never been so wrong.  The journals were the inside look and without resolution it just seemed as though I had created ways to deal with it as I grew up.  Never bringing it up out of fear that I would be left alone and unloved.
Holy shit, that's it!
Cut to a look into every relationship I have had, romantic, friendships and family.  All of them.  Damn it!  This is where things start to make sense for me.  I have been in this process of repairing and acknowledging these "childhood" feelings to make for a better me. A happier me.  So far it seems to be working.
Not to say it still doesn't arise, but I at least see those red flags of pattern and kindly smile and stay aware of how I react or feel.  Never to let it bog me down.

So I start the quest of my happiness with this blog. At least it will serve as a reminder of me, about me and this funny path that I am walking down.  To be an active participant in my happiness.  No one else can do it. Truly, they can't and now in my soon to be mid-30s I am figuring this out.  Thank goodness I am.  I would have hated to continue the ways I was.  It was a very fake and damaging place.  Thank goodness my childhood reminded me.

 Go kitty, Go.

So as Christmas nears...the shopping is now really, really needing to be done.  I have a couple items for the momma-lou, nothing for the feller, and pops...well he is always the hardest, seeing that the last thign he told me he wanted was a million dollars.  So I will be checking the lotto tickets I purchased earlier this week.  Maybe his dream gift will come true. 

Can you imagine winning the lottery?  I always wonder what would I do with any winnings.  Pay off the crappy cars and just buy new ones.  Get the debt taken care of, even though I have been plugging away at it?  A dream vacation?  Peru would be a must. Total must...but even with out the lotto winnings I think I am doing that any way.

I sure do hope that I can get some presents before the eve dinner that I have with the 'rents.  It is a tradition that I have had with them for a long while.  It is nice to spend that time, and relax a little , since we all seem to get our panties in a bunch about who to get what for, and money. 

I think that I am over this holiday thing.  Come on 2012...we are ready for you... and maybe a few bucks from the lotto tickets wouldn't hurt. 

Have a safe and happy holiday to those that even see this... can't wait to hear what everyone got.

Enjoy the true meaning of Christmas...santa's birthday.

So after viewing all of these things that I NEED on pinterest, I seriously may go into debt again.  No no I haven't spent any money yet....but I will.  Why is there sooooo many things I want. And they are not nearly close to being in my price range.

Christmas list maybe... I do keep getting asked what I would like.

I want this. https://catbirdnyc.com/shop/product.php?productid=18388&cat=326&page=1